Dealing With Loss

As most of you know I suffer with OCD, anxiety, and I have severe panic attacks. I try and focus on those topics in my blog because I am (in my opinion) knowledgeable and very familiar on those subjects.

BUT, in this post I am going to discuss grief, because yes, unfortunately I also am very familiar with that subject as well.

Long Long Ago………

I was in my early 20’s when I got married to a wonderful man. He was everything I could have ever asked for. Loving, caring,  trustworthy, hard working, and an absolutely amazing father to our children. Oh and I can’t forget to mention how handsome he was.

I could go on and on about how wonderful he was but I think you get the picture.

I was happy and I was in love. The awesome part was that he was in love with me as much as I was with him.

I had “crushes” before but I guess you could say my husband was my first real relationship. He was also my first real true love.

My Life Dramatically Changed

I will never forget the image of my father-in-law walking down my walkway with tears pouring down his face. It’s an image that still haunts me and probably always will. He told me my husband was in a car accident while on his way home, he didn’t survive.

I remember screaming and yelling, and then screaming some more. I also remember accusing my father-in-law of lying. No idea why I accused him of lying. (I knew he wouldn’t lie about something like that but I still accused him.)

When it finally sunk in that my husband was gone, I went numb.  I stayed numb for a very long time.

I went through all the feelings or “stages” I had heard that grief brings. I was in denial, I was angry, I blamed people, I was mad at my husband for dying and leaving me, I was extremely sad, and then I became very depressed.

I kept going over the what if’s in my head. What if I made him stay home that day, what if I went with him, what if this and what if that. Wondering if it would have changed the outcome.

So many thoughts and so many emotions. For a short time I even felt upset with God for bringing my husband into my life only to take him away. I must have asked Him why a million times.

My husband was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. My everything. With him gone I felt so lost.

Time Went By

I started learning how to deal with life without him, well I tried. I did the best I could. I had my children and I needed to get strong for them. They needed their mother and I needed them. I thank the Lord for my kids because who knows what I would of done if I didn’t have them.

My kids are what gave me the courage and motivation to live.

More Time Went By

I raised my boys as a single parent.  I seen a doctor for my depression and tried different medications until I found one that helped a little. I even tried grief counseling. But the only thing that seemed to help ease the pain was time.

I didn’t date much because my heart was empty. I tried, but I realized I was comparing everyone to my husband and that wasn’t fair to the men I tried to date. So except for a few dates here and there, I stayed single while raising my boys.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this story or even why I’m sharing it.  I think it’s because I have shared so much about my life in my past posts.  My husband was such an important part of my life and I feel the need to share that part with you. Maybe my story will help someone that is going through something similar. Well at least I hope so.

Maybe it will help to know I understand your heartache.

Treasure The Memories And Never Forget The Special Moments

I know what it feels like to have your life change in a second. To lose someone that meant the world to you.

I thought I would grow old with my husband and drink hot chocolate in our twin rocking chairs that sat on our wrap around wooden porch. (We didn’t have a wrap around porch but I always hoped we would.) I understand how you miss them dearly and don’t know how your going to face life without that special someone. I understand.

No matter what kind of loss your dealing with I can tell you this, it does get easier with time. It may not seem like it now but give it time. How much time? I can’t tell you that. Your not going to forget but it will get easier. Trust in the process and find someone to talk to. Let it out. Let out all those emotions.

If your wondering where am I now and if I fell in love again, well yes I did.

It was a different kind of love, it didn’t last but we are still very good friends today. It was different than what I experienced with my husband, but it was love, and I did get my third son out of it. Having another child is something that I am extremely grateful for. I had my third son many years later. I was in my late 30’s, and he came at the most perfect time in my life. (Thats a whole other story that I will share someday.)

I also want to add that no matter what your going through right now, even if you don’t understand it, take a look around you and find something to be grateful for. Don’t try and figure out the “whys” and the “what if’s.” Because you may never figure it out. Sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t. Don’t be upset if you never do.

Be grateful for what you have, be grateful for the things you got to experience.  Be grateful for the memories you have. Cherish the memories.

I’m grateful for my kids, my family, and my friends.  I am also grateful that I got to experience being in love and that I got to feel what being loved in return feels like. To be loved and to be loved back is a feeling I will always remember.

There’s a saying that goes something like, “It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.” I do agree. I will always treasure the love I got to experience.

Hope you have a wonderful week and remember to find something around you to be grateful for. No matter what your going through, you don’t need to go through it alone. Reach out, speak up, and ask for help.

Sending hugs, Christina

#mentalhealthmatters

Published by WebbBlogs

Just learning how to enjoy life with ocd. My mental health has been interfering with my daily activities for far to long and now that Im 50 its about time I start enjoying life and taking chances.

24 thoughts on “Dealing With Loss

  1. I had tears by the time I reached the end… I am just 17 and haven’t dealt with any severe loss and I really I don’t want any of it.. although I sometimes overthink about what if something happens and all and just thinking about it makes me crazy. I hope I am able to get out this stupid habit.. Thank you for sharing your experience..

    Like

  2. wonderful blog! I lost my husband in February. I am 80 and was married for almost 59 years. In the last year I have cared for my husband, moved four times and am settled at last. Thank you for these words of wisdom.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you so much for sharing, I know that it couldn’t have been easy. I’m so sorry for your loss, he sounded like an incredible man. I’m glad that your children gave you courage and a will to live. You are an extremely strong and beautiful woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my goodness, what courage, honesty and love it took to write this. First I am so sorry for your loss and I am no stranger to loss myself. I have battled the what if’s and the stages of grief several times and there is no time frame anybody can give us of how long it takes until we heal. In fact we never fully heal and nothing can ever replace the hole that is left behind. And yes it gets easier and we have to learn to move on. I am glad you had your children as the motivation to pull you through. I think it is important to have something or someone to live for and I am so glad that you are here now, sharing and telling your story. Having the courage and the strengths to do so to help others. It takes a brave soul to do so and I see you my dear sister. Namaste 🙏🏼💙 well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your post conveys some beautiful life lessons .
    Nothing is permanent..
    It’s human to express emotions..
    Not easy but one has to move in..
    There are always things and people in life for whom one should be grateful for..
    Stay blessed always
    🙏🌹🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading my posts and for leaving such heartfelt sincere comments on each one. It means a lot to me and that you take the time to respond. 💖💖

      Like

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