As most of you know I suffer with OCD, anxiety, and I have severe panic attacks. I try and focus on those topics in my blog because I am (in my opinion) knowledgeable and very familiar on those subjects.
BUT, in this post I am going to discuss grief, because yes, unfortunately I also am very familiar with that subject as well.
Long Long Ago………
I was in my early 20’s when I got married to a wonderful man. He was everything I could have ever asked for. Loving, caring, trustworthy, hard working, and an absolutely amazing father to our children. Oh and I can’t forget to mention how handsome he was.
I could go on and on about how wonderful he was but I think you get the picture.
I was happy and I was in love. The awesome part was that he was in love with me as much as I was with him.
I had “crushes” before but I guess you could say my husband was my first real relationship. He was also my first real true love.
My Life Dramatically Changed
I will never forget the image of my father-in-law walking down my walkway with tears pouring down his face. It’s an image that still haunts me and probably always will. He told me my husband was in a car accident while on his way home, he didn’t survive.
I remember screaming and yelling, and then screaming some more. I also remember accusing my father-in-law of lying. No idea why I accused him of lying. (I knew he wouldn’t lie about something like that but I still accused him.)
When it finally sunk in that my husband was gone, I went numb. I stayed numb for a very long time.
I went through all the feelings or “stages” I had heard that grief brings. I was in denial, I was angry, I blamed people, I was mad at my husband for dying and leaving me, I was extremely sad, and then I became very depressed.
I kept going over the what if’s in my head. What if I made him stay home that day, what if I went with him, what if this and what if that. Wondering if it would have changed the outcome.
So many thoughts and so many emotions. For a short time I even felt upset with God for bringing my husband into my life only to take him away. I must have asked Him why a million times.
My husband was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. My everything. With him gone I felt so lost.
Time Went By
I started learning how to deal with life without him, well I tried. I did the best I could. I had my children and I needed to get strong for them. They needed their mother and I needed them. I thank the Lord for my kids because who knows what I would of done if I didn’t have them.
My kids are what gave me the courage and motivation to live.
More Time Went By
I raised my boys as a single parent. I seen a doctor for my depression and tried different medications until I found one that helped a little. I even tried grief counseling. But the only thing that seemed to help ease the pain was time.
I didn’t date much because my heart was empty. I tried, but I realized I was comparing everyone to my husband and that wasn’t fair to the men I tried to date. So except for a few dates here and there, I stayed single while raising my boys.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this story or even why I’m sharing it. I think it’s because I have shared so much about my life in my past posts. My husband was such an important part of my life and I feel the need to share that part with you. Maybe my story will help someone that is going through something similar. Well at least I hope so.
Maybe it will help to know I understand your heartache.
I know what it feels like to have your life change in a second. To lose someone that meant the world to you.
I thought I would grow old with my husband and drink hot chocolate in our twin rocking chairs that sat on our wrap around wooden porch. (We didn’t have a wrap around porch but I always hoped we would.) I understand how you miss them dearly and don’t know how your going to face life without that special someone. I understand.
No matter what kind of loss your dealing with I can tell you this, it does get easier with time. It may not seem like it now but give it time. How much time? I can’t tell you that. Your not going to forget but it will get easier. Trust in the process and find someone to talk to. Let it out. Let out all those emotions.
If your wondering where am I now and if I fell in love again, well yes I did.
It was a different kind of love, it didn’t last but we are still very good friends today. It was different than what I experienced with my husband, but it was love, and I did get my third son out of it. Having another child is something that I am extremely grateful for. I had my third son many years later. I was in my late 30’s, and he came at the most perfect time in my life. (Thats a whole other story that I will share someday.)
I also want to add that no matter what your going through right now, even if you don’t understand it, take a look around you and find something to be grateful for. Don’t try and figure out the “whys” and the “what if’s.” Because you may never figure it out. Sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t. Don’t be upset if you never do.
Be grateful for what you have, be grateful for the things you got to experience. Be grateful for the memories you have. Cherish the memories.
I’m grateful for my kids, my family, and my friends. I am also grateful that I got to experience being in love and that I got to feel what being loved in return feels like. To be loved and to be loved back is a feeling I will always remember.
There’s a saying that goes something like, “It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.” I do agree. I will always treasure the love I got to experience.
Hope you have a wonderful week and remember to find something around you to be grateful for. No matter what your going through, you don’t need to go through it alone. Reach out, speak up, and ask for help.
Sending hugs, Christina