I have really good days and really bad days. I want and need more of the better days and in order for that to happen I need to stand up to my OCD.
I recently shared a story called Resisting The Urge. In that post I explained about the “problem” I have when making my bed. Well I also have a “problem” when cleaning the couch.
I have a sectional L shaped couch. It has 5 bottom removable cushions and 6 backside removeable cushions. Every week I remove each cushion and wipe out any crumbs or items that get lost in the couch.
It shouldn’t take me to long because it usually doesn’t have much to be cleaned out.
I have mentioned in past posts, my OCD “thoughts” will have me cleaning things regardless if it needs it or not.
Anyway back to my couch story, here is the process I go through when cleaning the couch.
First, I use a rag and wipe off the whole couch. Second, I remove the first cushion and wipe any crumbs out. Third, I put the cushion back. I then proceed to clean under the remaining cushions.
Now heres the tricky part, as I am cleaning the very last cushion, and then placing it back, the minute I let go of it, I have to have a “happy thought” in my head. It has to be at that exact moment my hand lets go of the last cushion. Because if I have a “bad” thought, in that moment, guess what I have to do?……You guessed it, I have to go back to the first cushion and do it all over again.
I know this may sound a little confusing, I tried to explain it the best I could.
I have NEVER been able to do this only once. It usually takes about 4 times, but I have gone all the way to about 28 times. 28 times! 28 is one of my “good” numbers.
I have been doing E.R.P therapy the last few months. For info on E.R.P click here: (https://iocdf.org/ ) It’s very hard work but I want to learn how to live with OCD and not let it control me. E.R.P therapy will help me get there.
If I can stay strong and continue to resist doing things more then once, I will finally be in charge and NOT OCD.
So back to the couch. I cleaned it once. I started to clean it a second time, because those unwanted horrible thoughts were becoming more and more difficult to sit with, BUT I stopped myself.
I STOPPED MYSELF FROM GIVING IN
I’m trying so hard to be in control. Im trying to stand up to those dam thoughts.
I know some of you don’t understand why it’s so hard for me. You probably read this and think how can this woman do these things so many times just because of some thoughts in her head.
I wish there was a way to help you understand how difficult it really is. I wish there was a way to help you understand I’m not really crazy, it just sounds like I am. Lol
Try to imagine having such strong thoughts telling you if you don’t do something then you or someone you love will get hurt. Those thoughts and feelings are horrible. Even though you know it sounds crazy, and even though you know you can’t control the outcome, you don’t have that “magical power” you just don’t want to take that chance. You can’t take the risk. You couldn’t handle something like that happening so you do what you can to make the thought go away.
Only the thoughts don’t go away. If they do they come right back.. So your stuck in the crazy cycle of repeatedly doing something that should have been done once.
A THOUGHT IS JUST A THOUGHT
Today, I will not repeat cleaning my couch. Today I will use whatever tools I have memorized and apply it to this situation. Today if I can accomplish this then I will be another step closer to winning.
Tomorrow I may not be able to do this. Tomorrow I may not be as strong. Tomorrow I might go back and clean my couch.
But today I will not. Today I stand up and face my OCD, I will not back down.
Have a wonderful week.
If you are struggling, no matter what it is, please speak up and ask for help.