The Casino And My Dang Ocd

Re-Post Sharing Again

Back when my anxiety wasn’t as bad as it is now I use to be able to take about an hour drive before the fear would kick in.  An hour was about my limit, my anxiety wouldn’t allow me to go much further.  I have never been one to enjoy long car rides so driving a short distance was just fine with me.

It was such a beautiful day so I decided I would get out of the house and go for a ride.  Driving on the crowded freeway didn’t sound like an exciting time so I decided to take a country drive up to the casino. The scenery is gorgeous on that highway.  The recent rains made everything so green and looking up in the distance you could see snow on the mountains.  Simply beautiful.

As I was driving I said a little prayer asking God to please help me enjoy the day without having any panic attacks.  My dang OCD made me repeat my prayer so I said another prayer asking for forgiveness for repeating myself.  Even during prayer OCD wouldn’t leave me alone.  I told myself I wouldn’t let my OCD ruin my fun. I was going to “fight it”.  I would not give into it.  I tell myself this daily but for some reason I thought this day would be different.

I arrived at my destination, found a parking spot, and parked my car.  Soon as I got out and shut the door I automatically checked the handle 4 times making sure it was locked, and headed inside. Dang OCD got me again.

After walking around a couple times I finally found a machine to play, well at least I thought I did. Dang OCD.  Ended up sitting in front of 4 different machines until it “felt right” and I  was able to sit.  Now I know some of you don’t understand about OCD but trust me when I say I couldn’t just sit down at the first slot machine.  It “had” to be the 4th one or according to my OCD, something bad would happen.  Good old OCD, couldn’t leave me alone, not even for a few hours. 

I noticed that some people were rubbing the slot machine hoping for good luck.  I seen a person sitting a few chairs down doing this and I figured I would give it a try.  I really don’t think rubbing the machine will make me rich but I gave it a try anyway.  Dang OCD.  I couldn’t touch the screen once.  Nope I “had” to touch it 8 times, with both hands fully touching the screen, and saying to myself  “no bad “.  I say this because when fighting my OCD I would usually tell myself  “Nothing bad is going to happen so stop”  well that is a really long sentence to tell yourself numerous times a day so I shortened it to “no bad”.  I know it doesn’t make much sense but it worked for me.

I sat and played for a bit and noticed the man next to me was getting annoyed.  I could see in the corner of my eye that he kept looking at me.  He would make a grunting sound every time.  I couldn’t blame him.  Who would want to sit next to a person that kept slamming their hands on the machine 8 times every couple of minutes making sure all 10 fingers touched the screen. He must have gotten enough of my craziness because he gathered his things and walked away.

After that little situation I was a little embarrassed and figured I would get up and walk around a bit. I found another machine that caught my eye and made my way towards it.  Trying to not “give in” to the OCD by looking for 3 other machines, I hurried and sat down. The woman next to me smiled and wished me good luck.  I was grateful for a friendly face and hoped my weird ways wouldn’t scare her off too.

Once again every few minutes I place all 10 fingers on the machine 8 times. 10 fingers, touching the machine, and repeat a total of 8 times. While doing this I’m telling myself “no bad”.  Well I caught my neighbors attention because she looked at me, smiled, and said, “does it help touching the game like that? Have you won anything?” I’m completely embarrassed. I have no idea what to say.  I know I must look like a nut. I just smiled back, let out a little laugh and kept playing.  I mean what else was I supposed to do?  I surely couldn’t tell her I had OCD. Dang OCD

I was really trying to enjoy myself despite my OCD driving me crazy.  The woman I was previously sitting next to eventually left and now I was sitting by another woman. We shared mild conversation while we played.  I somehow convinced myself I only needed to touch the machine 4 times instead of 8. Don’t ask me how I was able to do that because I have no idea.  I pushed the play button put my hands on the screen and said “no bad”. I don’t know how many times I did this I just know it was alot. I then noticed the woman staring at me. I looked at her as I was saying “no bad” and just then I realized I was actually mouthing those words, not once but over and over.  The woman gave me a terrifying look like I did something horrible to her. She grabbed her things and was gone.  Oh my gosh.  To say I was embarrassed was an understatement.  Poor lady looked so scared.  Did I really look that bad? Did I really look like a nut? Dang OCD

Driving home I kept playing the situation over and over in my head. I pictured myself sitting next to someone that did the things I had done. Slamming hands on a machine mouthing no bad repeatedly while staring at people.  I started laughing.  NOT because I scared the woman but because of how I must have looked. I was laughing at myself. Yes it was embarrassing but it was also a little funny. So instead of driving home feeling awkward and embarrassed like I have felt so many times in the past, I decided I would just let it go. Why worry about it. I worry so much all the time and I didn’t want to worry at that moment. So instead I turned on my 80’s music nice and loud and sang as I continued the beautiful drive.

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