Everyday starts the same. I tell myself today is the day I stop giving into the thoughts in my head, today I will not repeat and do things over and over.
Sounds simple, sounds easy enough, but its not. Today I’m having a hard time. Right now my ocd is telling me to sweep the floors, again. I have already done this, my floors are fine, they don’t need to be swept.
If I don’t listen to the ocd, will something terrible happen? That’s what my ocd tries to convince me of. That’s what it keeps telling me. I know I need to let that thought pass, to not give it much attention. From what I have learned about ocd, I’m suppose to acknowledge the thought and remember its just my ocd. Oh how I want it to be that simple.
Have you ever had an itch that drove you crazy, or have you ever been tickled so much it was uncomfortable and irritating? Have you ever been so scared you can’t completely focus on anything or give someone your full attention? This is what it feels like when I’m trying to fight the thoughts in my head. This is the only way I can explain it so it makes a little sense.
This feeling will eventually pass, sometimes within minutes, sometimes within hours, and sometimes it takes days. Realistically I know that I can’t control the outcome of my thoughts. I know whether or not I sweep the floor 4 more times is not going to make or change something bad from happening. But, as a person that suffers with ocd, there’s still that chance, and its extremely hard to ignore.
So once again I will sit here and try. I will tell myself to acknowledge the thoughts but don’t give into them. A thought is just a thought. I can’t control my thoughts, I can only control how I react to them. Today I will live with the uncertainty.