Another Anxiety Story

I have written about anxiety before.  I have even written about some of the things below.  I am writing about it again because I know someone out there has been through it or knows someone that has. Someone out there needs to know they are not alone.

The Strange Feeling In My Head

Many years ago I started experiencing a strange feeling in my head. It wasn’t a headache but more of a “fullness” in my head. A rushing feeling. Almost as if my head was filling up. I also felt light headed, but it wasn’t constant. I know how strange that sounds but that’s how it felt. It was a very scary feeling.

Whenever I feel like something is wrong with me, I never rush to the doctor. I always wait it out, hoping whatever it is will get better on its own. I thought that this “head weirdness” would go away after a day or two, but it didn’t.  After a week or so I convinced myself I had a brain tumor.  I knew I needed to see a doctor but I was scared. I decided to let my sister know what was going on with me. She wanted me to go to the emergency room, but I didn’t go.

A month passed by and my symptoms stayed the same. I wasn’t getting any better. I didn’t tell anyone else what was going on with me. My sister thought I was better because I stopped talking about it. I was scared and just had chosen to keep it to myself. I still believed I had a tumor, and I also believed I was dying. I didn’t think I had much time left to live.

A few days later I let my sister know I was still having the “head weirdness”. I then handed my sister a sealed envelope. I told her it contained my final wishes, and to open it after I passed. Thats how sure I was that I wasn’t going to survive this.

As much as I didn’t want to go, I ended up going to the hospital emergency room. My sister took me. I think she wanted to make sure I went. They ran some test and did a cat scan, then told me I was fine. They said it was probably just anxiety. I didn’t believe them. I went to see my family physician. He referred me to a specialist where I had several more tests done. After all tests were done, I received my results. Nothong was wrong.  It was anxiety. A day or so later, after receiving all my results,  the strange weirdness in my head disappeared. All of a sudden my head felt normal. I felt fine. After months of feeling whatever I was feeling, it just stopped. Did anxiety really cause me to go through that horrible experience? I wasn’t quite convinced but I was slowly considering the possibility.

Breathing And Holding My Breath

I noticed something wasn’t right with my breathing.  At times my breathing was slow, and other times I would breath fast. The more I paid attention to it the worse it became. I found myself constantly trying to control my breathing.  I started counting how many times I took a breath, in and out, each minute.  I wondered if I was taking to many or to little, or if I was breathing deep enough. I started questioning myself, wondering if I was breathing wrong or maybe I forgot how to breath properly. 

I also noticed that I was holding my breath.  I would hold my breath every few minutes. Not on purpose, it was like I was doing it automatically. I would catch myself holding my breath throughout the day, every day.  I did it so many times that I lost count. I started watching how the people around me were breathing, trying to see if they were holding their breath as well. I began to loose sleep.  I was scared of sleep. I was terrified I would hold my breath while sleeping and I wouldn’t wake up. Thats when I knew it was time to see my doctor. After my check-up and further tests, I was told I was fine. I was told it was anxiety. A few days later, after receiving all my results, I felt better. Just like that, all of a sudden my breathing was fine. Can anxiety be that powerful? I still wasn’t completely convinced.

The Lump In My Throat

I woke up feeling perfectly fine. But, by the afternoon, I began to feel something in my throat. I drank some water hoping that whatever I was feeling would get washed down. But no matter how much water I drank, it was still there. I tried eating hoping the more I swallowed that it would go away. But it didn’t. It actually got worse. I began noticing the lump even when I didn’t swallow.  It didn’t hurt, it was just uncomfortable. I felt it constantly.  I kept looking in the mirror thinking I might see something down my throat. But I couldn’t see that far down. I was worried it was going to get bigger but I didn’t want to see a doctor. I didn’t want to know if I was dying.  I already convinced myself the lump was cancer.  I just wasn’t ready to have the diagnosis confirmed.  I didn’t want to know.

But, after a few months of no improvement, I gave in and went to the doctor. My doctor didn’t think it was serious and actually blamed it on anxiety. I told him there was absolutely no way it was my anxiety.  I felt a lump. I felt it. It was there. I could feel it as I was talking to him. I wasn’t lying.  I wasn’t imagining it. It was real. Anxiety couldn’t make me feel something that wasn’t really there. How dare him brush it off as anxiety. I demanded further tests.

I was referred to a specialist. I remember laying on a table as a machine took several pictures of my neck. I had to lay still. I was scared. I was in a room all alone while the technician was in another room controlling the machine. When I was finished I asked him if I had throat cancer. I asked him how big was the lump. He couldn’t tell me. He said my doctor would go over the results. I tried reading his face, looking for some clue as to my results, but he gave no hint. I couldn’t tell by his expressions, so I had no choice but to wait.

My results showed nothing. There was no lump in my throat. Even though I felt it, it wasn’t there. Once again I was told it was anxiety. Anxiety caused me to feel something that wasn’t there. I felt that lump for months but once again, just a couple days after I received my results, the lump disappeared. I no longer felt it.

These are just a few things my anxiety has convinced me of. There are many more. Each and every single experience is real to me. I feel the symptoms. I don’t make these things up and I don’t do it for attention. I feel it, I go through it, and I am scared of it.

I dont know how anxiety can cause all those experiences to feel so real. I don’t understand how my brain can cause me to believe it. Our brains are powerful, I know that, but how can I feel something so strongly only to find out I felt something that wasn’t there?

I know there are some people that don’t understand how I could feel these things. They think I am saying it for attention or I’m crazy. Believe me it’s none of those things. I felt each symptom just like you would feel being pinched. I felt it, I experienced it, and I believed it.

If you know someone that has this kind of anxiety, please be understanding and kind. Don’t tell them “it’s in your head” and don’t say, “stop being a hypercondriac”. They don’t need to be teased or not taken seriously. Listen and ask how you can help. Just offering an ear and your time can do so much for someone that is struggling with anxiety. Please show some compassion, and show them you care.

Just a reminder, I am not a medical professional. Every case is different, and I do recommend seeking a medical opinion and not diagnosing yourself. For every incident I mentioned above, I did see a medical professional, however, your situation may not have the same result as mine. Please seek medical advice if you are experiencing anything that causes concern or worry.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help. Nobody should go through it alone.

Have a wonderful weekend.