Checking In/Kids Birthday/Long Drive

Hello everyone, I hope your weekend is going great so far. I realized it’s been about a week or so since my last post, and since I don’t want any of you to forget who I am, I figured I better do a check in.

My youngest son turned 13 last week.  I can’t believe how fast time flies. It really does seem to go by quickly. My baby is now a teenager. I let him pick what he wanted to do for his special day. Normally we have a little party but this year he wanted to plan his own day.

And so our day began…..

First we went out for breakfast.  Just the 2 of us. I honestly can’t remember the last time it was just me and him at a restaurant.  It was actually quite nice and I really enjoyed our conversations. Our special mom and son time. It made me feel really good  knowing my son was also having a good time with me.

Our next stop was Starbucks. My sons choice of course. I grabbed a fruity drink, which my son ordered for me, because honestly I have no idea how to order half of that fancy stuff on their menu. He pick out a good choice for me and it was really refreshing. With our drinks in hand, we set out on a country drive to the beautiful town of Knights Ferry, population 100.

The drive to Knights Ferry is beautiful, especially this time of year while everything is still green. But, its still a longer drive then I normally would do. I haven’t been that far from home in a few years because of my anxiety. But my son has been asking me to take him for a while now, and since it was his birthday, I had to at least give the drive a try.

Of course I didn’t get to far before the worrying set in. (Honestly I was surprised my anxiety didn’t act up while we were out having breakfast.) But soon as I realized we would be heading out of town, thats when my mind started worrying.  I was worried about having a panic attack while out on that long stretch of country highway. All the “what if’s” kept popping in my mind. What if I have a panic attack?  What if I pass out? What will my son do alone, far from home, and far from other people? The highway we had to take is very quiet.  Not much traffic during the week day. I kept picturing myself passed out on the side of the road while my son was left figuring out what to do.  I know this might sound a little silly to some of you but those are the thoughts that run through my mind. The mind of someone who deals with anxiety.

I pulled over, turned the car off, and looked over at my son. I was about to tell him I couldn’t do it. But before I could say it, he began talking. Apparently he could tell by the look on my face that my anxiety was bothering me. He started off by reminding me that I was ok. He pointed out all the times I have gotten through it in the past.  He also reminded me that he was 13 and if there was an emergency he was well over the age of knowing how to call for help.

Even though I am very open about my mental illness with my kids, I still try to hide it when I’m scared. I try not to let them see me worried. So I somehow put my brave face on and acted like I was ok. I acted like it wasn’t that bad. But deep down I knew it could get that bad, if I let it. If I let it. So with my brave face on, and my smart, caring 13 year old sitting near, I started up the car and got back on that country highway.

Knights Ferry: Knights Ferry is a small historic town with some pretty amazing scenery. Theres several monuments that are still standing after many many years, such as the bridge and flour mill. I believe the bridge has been standing since the 1800s. Theres many different trails to venture out on and so much nature to enjoy.

If your interested in the gold mining days, and want to know more about the history on Knights Ferry You can read about it here.

Below is the famous bridge.  Back when I was a kid the bridge was not covered.  Yes, I have been going to Knights Ferry since I was very young. I have watched many many people dive off that bridge into the cold water. I guess it was the thing to do back in the 80’s. I never seen anyone get hurt but I have heard many people have. That might be why it is now boarded up. No more diving off the bridge but you are still able to walk across and peak through the wooden cracks and the beautiful scenery.

The bridge in Knights Ferry

Knights Ferry

My youngest son has been asking me to take him to Knights Ferry for over a year now. I kept putting it off, to scared of having a panic attack. But since starting my blog I have been working hard on my mental health and learning how to live a more enjoyable life. I have been setting little goals and taking baby-steps. But taking my son to Knights Ferry has been a bigger goal of mine. One that has taken me a year to achieve.

But, I did it. I set this goal and I did it. I am very proud of myself.

We spent a couple hours walking around and taking in the fresh air. We walked and talked and spent some quality time together. It was wonderful.

Later back at home, we had a pizza birthday party with family. My son didn’t want a huge party so we kept it small. It was perfect. He had a good time and looked happy, which of course made me happy.

I know I have a long way to go when it comes to my mental health. I know my anxiety will act up again, and I know I will have a panic attack again. I also know my ocd will always be around. But I also know that I am capable of enjoying life. I tend to forget that. I tend to forget that I can still lead a happy life while suffering with mental issues. Not every day is going to be easy, and not every day is going to be hard.  I am slowly starting to realize this. I am taking chances, slowly accomplishing my goals, and slowly learning how to live with my mental illnesses. One day at a time.

Hope you have a fabulous weekend.