Saying Hello/Panic Attack

In yesterday’s post Checking In, I shared about reaching a goal and not letting my anxiety interfere with my sons birthday plans. I was feeling good, actually quite proud of myself for pushing myself and the thoughts aside so I could continue on with my drive. I felt wonderful.  The whole week felt amazingly satisfying. Until last night.

How did things change so quickly and so drastically.  How can I go from feeling so brave and excited to feeling weak and terrified?

It started last night. I felt fine when I went to bed. I woke up sometime after midnight feeling scared. I got out of bed and checked on my teenager.  He was still awake playing a game. I told him it was late and it was time for him to go to bed. I then walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. And then it started.

This next part talks about my panic attack and might be a trigger to some so please read with caution or skip to the next paragraph.

My panic attacks are a little different then some peoples. I get very cold. Freezing.  Im so cold that my body shakes and its hard to talk because my teeth are chattering. I then feel a weird sensation usually starting with my feet that works its way up or it starts in my stomach. My heart beats faster. I feel this weirdness throughout my body, and then I feel it dissappear, only to come back again. Sometimes I get light headed or dizzy. I also get nauseous.  Im terrified. I think I’m going to pass out. The weirdness is very hard to explain. All the symptoms I feel frighten me. I get a feeling of not knowing if its all real or if I’m not really there. Most of my attacks feel like this but I have also had some with other symptoms as well. The whole experience lasts around 30 minutes. 

I have been getting these kind of panic attacks for over 5 years now. I have had many many different tests done on me. I kept insisting on more tests because I honestly didn’t think I was having panic attacks.  I thought it was something more serious. But every test came back normal.  Every single test.

Last night as I was going through it, I closed my eyes and felt the tears form. I knew my son was in his room and I was worried he would see me like that. But he didn’t.  I sat there trying to think happy thoughts and I tried to remember everything that I have learned to do in this kind of situation.  I “grounded” myself, I went over everything I am supposed to do when a panic attack hits me. Nothing was working.  Nothing.

I wanted to call my grown sons and have them come over. I wanted them to come sit with me. I wanted them to reassure me that I would be fine or in case I wasn’t fine, I wanted them to be here for their little brother. But as much as I wanted to call them, I didn’t. I needed to get through this, and I knew calling my boys was not the answer. I had to tough it out and get through it. Which I eventually did.

Here it is the next morning.  I’m tired and emotionally drained. Panic Attacks wear me out. I’m also worried.  I’m scared its going to happen again, because I know eventually it will. Usually when I have a big panic attack it takes me at least a week until I am ready to leave the house.  I never feel comfortable or safe enough to leave the house after an attack because I get scared it will happen while I’m away from home.

As I sit here writing this post my mind is trying to put last night behind me. I am trying to put that fear that I was feeling behind me. I am sitting in my chair reminding myself of the reasons I started my blog. I am reminded of my life and how I am trying to enjoy it, despite all my mental health issues. I am reminded of my drive the other day and how I didn’t let my anxiety hold me back. I can’t let my mental illness hold me a prisoner in my home. I have done that for far to long.

I dont want to sit inside until I feel brave enough to venture outdoors. But I also don’t want to venture outdoors and risk having another panic attack. The sun is shining, it is going to be a nice day. Do I sit in my apartment with the curtains closed, where I feel safe? Or do I go outside, feel the warmth on my face and visit a friend that I keep promising to visit?

I’m not sure what I am going to do today, but the one thing that I am sure of is that I am going to be ok. I might not feel it right now but I know I will feel better soon. I always do.

Have a wonderful day

Published by WebbBlogs

Just learning how to enjoy life with ocd. My mental health has been interfering with my daily activities for far to long and now that Im 50 its about time I start enjoying life and taking chances.

29 thoughts on “Saying Hello/Panic Attack

  1. you had a panic attack. They can be awful. I think you were brave to share all about it here with all of us. I relate so much to your fear, and wanting to stay in your apartment where it is safe. XxHugs. I’m sorry

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  2. I have had panic attacks due to social anxiety, so while different, I get how you feel. Thank you for sharing what you experience. It’s hard for other people who don’t have them to understand. I pray you feel better quickly and find solutions that work for you. Best Wishes! Leigh

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to get panic attacks when I travelled. For me it was claustrophobia. Could only get on trains that stopped at every station. Terrified when I was in traffic jams. Took years but I got to the other side eventually. Dont give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes unfortunately its one that I experience a little more than I would like but I am hopeful that one day I will be able to get through it better. Thank you for reading 😁

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    1. Yes actually as soon as I feel it i get a glass of water and then sit in my room. Not sure if the water helps or not but I tell myself it does.🤔

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  4. Sometimes I dabble with the idea of starting a sort of blogging mentoring course which doubles up as Life Coaching….
    See, I have observed how over the time I have been blogging that our blogging journeys tend to be reflective of our lives and vice versa…
    When you first start a blog you are very scared to press that button wondering what people will think or what if they don’t read or what if they think you are weird and all sorts of random things… With time you learn to just do it for yourself and as a bonus you find that some people find it relateable even and even find comfort or solace in knowing they aren’t alone.
    As you write you Self-asses your self and situations and eventuall will come to a better understanding of yourself like in your article you are so articulate about what you have gone through and how you experience (it’s easy for someone to tell you to just be strong when they don’t know what it is you go through)

    Anyway as you become more and more comfortable within the realm of your blogging you’ll see it reflect outward in your life it might be small things that you might even miss but you’ll see you are better able to explain yourself even a bit more confident and kinder to yourself too…. And see this might seem like I’m commenting about you but no I’m actually referring to changes from myself but people’s blogging journeys are so similar it’s uncanny which is why I am dabble with the idea I mentioned earlier.

    Hope the week has gone to become better
    ~B

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  5. Baby steps with lots of encouraging words to yourself, always remember that. You will get through this, and you will feel the sunshine on your face again and sit down with a friend too. Everything in tiny pieces is doable. Like one of those beautiful puzzles we put together. Sometimes we will work on it, sometimes we just let it sit for a couple of days and some days we tackle the whole puzzle with enjoyment trying to complete it’s beautiful image. Then the day comes when it is completed and what a treat. We go on to the next one, maybe next time the pieces will be even tinier, as each accomplishment makes us stronger and happier. The world is pretty scary and confusing right now, there are many people out there putting their own life puzzles pieces together because of this. Should never beat ourselves up for being human after all. We all deal with everything differently.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are very brave to do so. I hope you can find something that will make your panic attacks less persistent or prevalent. I also suffer from anxiety but it is often (but not always) more generalized than specific to panic attacks. I do understand what it means to be worried to leave the house though. My anxiety and my checking routines get bad before a trip or before leaving home for several hours or several days or more. My panic attacks when they do occur are usually linked to leaving the house for some period of time. Here’s hoping you feel that release from your anxiety and from your panic attacks very soon and always.

    Liked by 1 person

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