My Addiction Story

I posted this awhile back but figured I would share it again.

Break Free From Addiction

It was a complete shock to everyone when I started using.  I was the “good girl”, the one people were proud of for never getting involved with drugs.

I had managed to get through my teenage years and my 20’s without using, so why did I start when I did?  

People don’t usually know why they start, it just sorta happens. But for me, I was tired.  Tired of the OCD, tired of the thoughts, the rituals, the physical and mental pain.  I was tired of being stressed, I was just plain tired.

Drugs weren’t offered to me. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I actually went out looking for it. Nobody in my circle of friends used, and nobody new I was struggling mentally. Not anyone. Nobody new I had OCD. I was suffering in my head alone, and I was miserable.

Maybe I thought that using would make my OCD magically go away.  Maybe I thought life would be more bearable, or maybe I thought all my problems would be solved. Maybe I wasn’t really thinking at all.

I set out on my search and found it much faster than I thought. I had no clue what I was doing, but I was quickly showed how, and how much to use. I was really scared. I’m always scared to try new medication so trying drugs was even scarier. I went home, and tried just a pinch of what I was told. Next day I tried a little more, and a little more……

Unfortunately for me, I got hooked fast, and started on a downward spiral even faster. I put off family, friends, appointments, pretty much everything unless drugs were involved. My addiction became my priority. I started loosing everything.

Finally the time came and I hit my rock bottom.  I always heard of that place I just didn’t think I would end up there.

Rock bottom is not a good place to be. Its cold, dark, and painful. Once again I felt alone, only this time I really was. 

It’s never to late to ask for help.

I new it was time for change, and I new I needed help.  I was alone and scared, and I new I was in a way worse situation than I was before I started using. It was time for me to get help with my addiction, and finally seek treatment for my mental illness. 

So, that’s exactly what I did. I called and wrote letters to rehabs. I explained I had no money, no way to pay, but I wanted help. I explained the situation I was in, and I was persistent. A residential treatment facility offered me a scholarship to their program. Meaning they would accept me for free. Finally, a step in the right direction.

I worked hard, got clean, and worked even harder to get back what I had lost. I then found a doctor that I was comfortable opening up to.  I opened up for the first time about my OCD, and all the things I was dealing with in my head, and I also started seeing a therapist.

Today I am proud to say I have almost 13 years clean.  I am proud of the steps I took to get here.  It was a lot of hard work, but I did it and I’m so happy I did.

I still struggle mentally, but I rather struggle clean and surrounded with loved ones, than to struggle with a foggy head, all alone.

I’m sharing this part of my life because I want other addicts to know there is hope. If your using because your wanting to escape your worries or fears, or you think by self medicating yourself everything will be better, take it from me, your wrong.  It makes it so much worse. I have never heard someone say drugs made their life better, have you?

Drugs are NOT the answer. It may mask things temporarily but eventually that mask will come off and all your issues will still be there, plus possibly some new ones, lots of new ones.

It’s not worth it.

Drug will NOT make things better, it will only add to your problems.

If you or someone you know has an addiction problem and/or mental health issues, please talk to someone.  Please get help. I say this often, reach out, speak up, and get help.  You don’t have to go through it alone.

Life is waiting for you. Enjoy it sober

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Nightmares/Terrors

This morning I got woken up by my pre-teen son, he was yelling at me.  Not yelling to be rude or disrespectful, he was yelling to wake me up.

I was doing it again. I was screaming in my sleep. I was, once again having another nightmare. Not just any ordinary nightmare either.  I have the kind that can wake up the neighbors.

Here’s the thing. I have different types of dreams. I have regular ones that cause me to talk or mumble in my sleep. I have nightmares that cause me to yell in my sleep. And then, I have night terrors, which cause me to scream in my sleep. From what I have been told, it sounds like I’m being tortured.

Apparently, I scream so loud that my roommate in the next room, or sometimes my son, hears me, and runs into my bedroom to wake me up. Sometimes this happens several times a night. Yes, several times. But I have always been known to go many months, even almost a year, without having any at all.

I have no idea why this happens.  But I do know it started after my husband died, over 20 years ago. Don’t think it is related to his passing, but who knows.

I don’t remember all of my dreams, but when I do remember they don’t sound scary when I talk about it. For instance, in my last dream, I was trying to get home but the more I tried the further away I was from my house. I kept looking and looking but I couldn’t find my house. It doesn’t sound to scary but I was told I screamed so loud they were surprised the neighbors didn’t come check on me.

Sometimes I wonder, since most of the dreams don’t sound scary, am I only remembering parts of the dream? Am I blocking out the scary stuff?

It’s very embarrassing.  I have been doing this for years. I remember when my adult sons were little, they would wake me up because my yelling would wake them up. It scared them at first but they said they eventually got use to it.

Another time, many years ago, back when I was in my addiction, I spent the night in jail. The next morning while at breakfast, I heard some of the inmates talking. They were talking about “A crazy woman” screaming in her sleep. As they talked, more and more inmates joined the conversation saying they had heard it to. Some said the screams woke them from their sleep. Others said they thought someone was being badly beaten. They looked at me and asked if I heard it. I told them I hadn’t and kept eating my breakfast. I think they knew it was me and wanted to see if I would confess to it.  But I wasn’t about to admit to that and be known as the crazy woman in jail. I was hoping it wouldn’t happen again while I was there and luckily it didn’t. (In case your wondering, I was there for 2 days, on a misdemeanor charge that was later dismissed.)

These nightmares come at random times and it doesn’t matter if I had a good day or bad day. I have nightmares even if I fall asleep in a good mood. I also can have several of these nightmares within the same night. But the good news is that it doesn’t happen every night. Yay me!

It’s something I have gotten used to over the years.  I haven’t talked to my doctor about it because its been happening for so many years  I really doubt there’s anything they can do except prescribe medication which I really don’t want, or refer me to counseling, which I already am in.

So, there it is, another “detail” of my life I thought I would share. How many “details” is this now? OCD, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, And Addiction. Wow no wonder I’m not married. (I say jokingly)

So in closing, please remember:  You never truly know what someone is going through.  They can be smiling on the outside but dealing with “details ” on the inside.

Have any of you experienced night terrors and if so have you discussed it with your doctor? Would really like to hear about it.  You can leave a message in the comments or if you rather email me thats fine too.  Webbblogs@yahoo.com

Have a wonderful day

Mental Health Matters

Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help. Nobody should go through it alone.

Stats Do They Matter?

I usually don’t pay much attention to how many followers I have or the stats on my posts. But out of curiosity I do check it from time to time.

The other day was one of those times. A couple bloggers that I follow had posted their current stats, which then made me curious as to my own.

I have around 350 followers.  Last I checked it was 300. I was actually quite surprised that I gained some more. 😁 Afterwards, I decided to check how many views my posts were getting.  I think I have only checked those once or twice since I started blogging. Those numbers weren’t what I was expecting. Those stats, well, those stats were not so good.

I honestly thought by the number of followers I have, that my stats would of been higher.  I thought more people were reading my posts. I was wrong, very wrong. (Enter sad face here)

When I realized my stats weren’t as high as I had hoped, my mood changed. I started doubting myself as a blogger and thought people really didn’t care about the things that I write about.

The things that I write about I truly believe are important. Things that are sometimes very difficult and embarrassing for me to share, but I share it anyway hoping to feel better, and hoping to help someone else feel better. Hoping to help a total stranger know that there are other people going through the same things as they are.

Later that evening it dawned on me that it had been over a week since I last checked my blogging email. I opened up my laptop and started reading. There were several from people that follow my blog.

I have received emails in the past from people that read my blog. But as time passes I kind of forgot about some of them. Until that night, when I was reading the current emails. Each and every email, past and current, were absolutely amazing. Each one so encouraging, written with compassion and appreciation. People from all over the world, total strangers, thanking me for helping them in some way. Thanking me, the blogger with very little views. The blogger that up until that moment was actually down and sad over “stats”.

Those emails helped me realize that my “stats” don’t matter, and more importantly they helped me remember why I started blogging, and why I continue to do so.

First, the way I feel when I type out my posts, how relieved and satisfying it leaves me. For me, writing is therapeutic. I enjoy it, I look forward to it. And second, also just as important, is the positive feedback I’m getting from total strangers, total strangers that take the time to send me a comment or and email letting me know my posts have helped them in some way. Those are the things that matter to me. That’s the motivation I need to continue writing.

So to everyone that gets worried or caught up about the numbers, ease up on yourself.  Do you enjoy blogging?  Do you receive positive feedback? Isn’t that something to be proud of?  I sure think so.

I’m using this post for my Weekly Smile prompt. You, my fantastic readers, are what made me smile. Head on over to Trents page for more Weekly Smiles .

Hope you all have an absolutely amazing week.

Don’t forget, if you or someone you know is struggling, Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help.  Nobody should go through it alone. Mental Health Matters

Addicts/Addiction

I read this post last night over at http://shankjoejoe.com. I highly recommend anyone that has addiction in their life, whether your the addict or you know someone, to read the following re-blog from Joseph’s page. When your done, don’t forget to check out some of his other great posts. He writes from experience and shares his own thoughts and opinions about addiction and recovery.

And now for for the re-blog……….

The following was copied from my column. I write for a local treatment newsletter. Close your eyes and allow your mind to scroll back to the past, back to the world of drugs and crime. Whether last month or last year, let’s journey back to the inescapable emptiness of getting high. Do you have such […]

Acquiesce To Recovery

Helping An Addict

A few years back while out picking up some groceries, I noticed a woman in the store that looked familiar. I couldn’t figure out who she was but I was positive I knew her.

I kept thinking about her while I was doing my shopping. Who was she? I was driving myself crazy with frustration because I couldn’t figure it out. Her face, I knew it, but from where?

As I was putting my bags into my car I heard someone yelling my name. I turned around and there she was, waving while walking up to me. It was then that it finally clicked.  I remembered who she was.

Truth is, she looked terribly different. Her once full face was now sunken in. She was missing quiet a few front teeth. She was underweight, and her skin tone was pale, very pale. It was sad to see her like that.

I new what caused this change in her. I new it instantly. Drugs. My suspicions were validated when she asked me if I knew where she could get some. (Drugs) Unfortunately, as a recovering addict, I get asked that question from time to time.

Once she realized I was no longer using, (I have 14 years clean) she then decided to fill me in on the reason for her relapse. Basically, according to her, it was everyone else’s fault. She was not to blame, according to her of course. But then not many addicts will blame their addiction on themselves, it’s easier to blame it on other people.

I finished the conversation by giving her my number, suggesting she use it when she is ready to get clean and ready for help. I would do what I could to help her, like take her to a meeting or help her find a rehab. But, only when she was ready.

I knew at that time she was not ready. She wasn’t ready to admit she had a problem and she wasn’t ready to make changes.  She wasn’t ready to take responsibility for the things in her life, and she openly admitted she wasn’t ready to get clean. Which I already sorta figured out on my own.

This happened a few years ago. I still run into her occasionally.  Unfortunately, she still isn’t ready. But each time I see her I remind her I am here for her when she is ready.

I’m sharing this with you in case some of you are going through the same thing, or maybe you are in your addiction.

IN MY OPINION

You can not force someone to get clean. An addict has to WANT to get clean. I never really understood what that meant until I was the addict wanting to get clean.

If someone isn’t ready, they aren’t ready. They will find a way to continue living that lifestyle.   They will find a way to hide it from you. They will tell you everything you want to hear just to keep you from “nagging” at them. You cannot force someone to WANT to get clean.

Most times when an addict is ready to quit it’s because they hit “rock bottom”. Meaning, they have lost everything. Family, Friendships, marriage, employment, housing, custody of children, and so on. They wake up one morning and realize they have nothing and they are all alone. Sometimes they get tired of being sick and tired, and realize it’s time to quit.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP

Answer the phone when they reach out and call you. Listen. Let them open up and convide to you. Just being there and listening can do so much. If they are ready to quit you can also research and find the number to a drug rehab program. Below is a number to find referrals in your area.

The Holidays can be stressful for many people.  If you or someone you know believes there is a chance drugs/relapse might enter the picture, please Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help.

If you want more information on treatment or referrals, you can call the national hotline which is available 24hrs a day.   SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) will connect you with someone in your area. Their website is https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline