I posted this awhile back but figured I would share it again.
It was a complete shock to everyone when I started using. I was the “good girl”, the one people were proud of for never getting involved with drugs.
I had managed to get through my teenage years and my 20’s without using, so why did I start when I did?
People don’t usually know why they start, it just sorta happens. But for me, I was tired. Tired of the OCD, tired of the thoughts, the rituals, the physical and mental pain. I was tired of being stressed, I was just plain tired.
Drugs weren’t offered to me. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I actually went out looking for it. Nobody in my circle of friends used, and nobody new I was struggling mentally. Not anyone. Nobody new I had OCD. I was suffering in my head alone, and I was miserable.
Maybe I thought that using would make my OCD magically go away. Maybe I thought life would be more bearable, or maybe I thought all my problems would be solved. Maybe I wasn’t really thinking at all.
I set out on my search and found it much faster than I thought. I had no clue what I was doing, but I was quickly showed how, and how much to use. I was really scared. I’m always scared to try new medication so trying drugs was even scarier. I went home, and tried just a pinch of what I was told. Next day I tried a little more, and a little more……
Unfortunately for me, I got hooked fast, and started on a downward spiral even faster. I put off family, friends, appointments, pretty much everything unless drugs were involved. My addiction became my priority. I started loosing everything.
Finally the time came and I hit my rock bottom. I always heard of that place I just didn’t think I would end up there.
Rock bottom is not a good place to be. Its cold, dark, and painful. Once again I felt alone, only this time I really was.
It’s never to late to ask for help.
I new it was time for change, and I new I needed help. I was alone and scared, and I new I was in a way worse situation than I was before I started using. It was time for me to get help with my addiction, and finally seek treatment for my mental illness.
So, that’s exactly what I did. I called and wrote letters to rehabs. I explained I had no money, no way to pay, but I wanted help. I explained the situation I was in, and I was persistent. A residential treatment facility offered me a scholarship to their program. Meaning they would accept me for free. Finally, a step in the right direction.
I worked hard, got clean, and worked even harder to get back what I had lost. I then found a doctor that I was comfortable opening up to. I opened up for the first time about my OCD, and all the things I was dealing with in my head, and I also started seeing a therapist.
Today I am proud to say I have almost 13 years clean. I am proud of the steps I took to get here. It was a lot of hard work, but I did it and I’m so happy I did.
I still struggle mentally, but I rather struggle clean and surrounded with loved ones, than to struggle with a foggy head, all alone.
I’m sharing this part of my life because I want other addicts to know there is hope. If your using because your wanting to escape your worries or fears, or you think by self medicating yourself everything will be better, take it from me, your wrong. It makes it so much worse. I have never heard someone say drugs made their life better, have you?
Drugs are NOT the answer. It may mask things temporarily but eventually that mask will come off and all your issues will still be there, plus possibly some new ones, lots of new ones.
It’s not worth it.
Drug will NOT make things better, it will only add to your problems.
If you or someone you know has an addiction problem and/or mental health issues, please talk to someone. Please get help. I say this often, reach out, speak up, and get help. You don’t have to go through it alone.