Bringing In The New Year With OCD Pt. 1

Every year around this time  I hear tons of people excitingly discuss their plans to bring in the new year. Some have gatherings at their homes, some go out to clubs, while some prefer to stay home and treat it as any other ordinary day.

And then there is me. As most of you already know, I have ocd. I talk about it quite a bit. Quick refresher for those of you that aren’t familiar with me: I have thoughts in my head telling me to do things over and over, because according to my ocd, if I don’t, then something bad will happen. So I end up doing things over and over until a good thought pops in my mind.

Celebrating New Years Eve has always been a little challenging for me.  It’s actually my least favourite holiday.

Let Me Try To Explain Why………

Every year when tons of people are enjoying the countdown and hanging out with friends, I am stressing and worrying about what “thought” is going to be in my head at midnight. As it gets closer and closer for “that time” to arrive, I begin mentally repeating positive thoughts in my mind. I will say those positive words over and over until the clock strikes 12:00. Because right when it hits midnight, midnight making it officially the new year, I “must” be thinking of something happy and good. I “have” to have happy thoughts. If not, ocd tells me something bad will happen. So I work harder, I mentally prepare, I repeat and repeat hoping to have a happy thought at 12:00 exactly. 

Sometimes I get lucky and I have that happy thought. But there are also times that I don’t. If a happy thought is not in my mind at that precise time, if I have a “bad” thought instead, then I have to mentally repeat happy thoughts until the clock changes again, hoping when it does change, a good/happy thought is in my mind or I repeat the process again, and again until my ocd says I got it right.

I know how ridiculous this sounds to those of you that don’t struggle with Ocd. Dang it even sounds ridiculous to me when I re-read what I just wrote. But, like I have said many times in previous posts, those “rituals”, those “thoughts”, are so strong, so intense, and feel so real that I seriously feel like I have to give in.

As the years passed I learned of a more simpler, easier way to bring in the new year. A way where I didn’t have to perform those tiring mental rituals. And that way is….. SLEEPING. 

Yes, sleeping has been my coping magnetism for several years now. I go to bed early and sleep through midnight. On occasion, I have woken up due to people in the neighborhood celebrating, but I know to immediately say something “good” or “happy” in my mind before I open my eyes.

But even though sleeping may be the easiest way for me, it really isn’t the way to get better. Avoiding thoughts and situations is not the way to live with OCD. The proper way, in my opinion, and from my years of research, is to acknowledge the thoughts but do not give into them. I should sit with those thoughts and sit with the uncertainty.

Back when I started this blog almost a year ago, one of the most important things I really wanted to accomplish was learning how to live a more enjoyable life, which meant finding new coping skills and how to sit with the ocd thoughts without giving into them. Because the more I resist giving in to my ocd, the weaker my ocd becomes.

Tonight I am not bringing the new year in like I have many times before. Tonight as the clock strikes 12, I am not going to mentally prepare. I am not going to repeat happy thoughts over and over. Instead I am going to let what ever thought happens to be in my mind at that time, sit there. It will sit there and I will acknowledge it, and then I will continue with whatever I am doing at that time.

The more I acknowledge and let the thoughts just sit, the more I will gain control of my life. The more I resist the compulsions, the weaker ocd gets. The weaker ocd gets, the stronger I get.

Even though I still struggle hard with ocd, I have also worked hard to get better and live a happier life with ocd. I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. Each day I try, and most days are hard, but knowing that I have improved since last year gives me hope that I will continue to improve.

Tonight I will do what it takes to make my ocd weaker, and by doing that, I will become stronger. Stronger to lead a more enjoyable, healthy, fulfilling life.

Have a wonderful evening, and please stay safe. If you drink, please have a designated driver with you. Do not drink and drive.

Now with that being said, have a fantastically fabulous evening!

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, please Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help. Nobody should go through it alone.

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Merry Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Enjoy your weekend!

Things I Think About

I wonder if…..

Do you ever just sit and wonder about people? Wonder what goes on in their lives? What goes on in their head? What are they thinking? Are they worried? Scared? Nervous? Or are they excited and happy? I know it may seem a little strange, but I am guilty of this. Very very guilty. I always find myself wondering what it’s like in someone else’s mind.

Whether it be someone I know, or complete strangers, I wonder if they are experiencing the same things as I do?

I WONDER IF…..

The couple walking their dog in the neighborhood, do they count silently in their heads? Or maybe they are repeating verses quietly with each step they take without the other one even knowing? Is she looking at him wondering if his head is “normal”? Is he thinking the same thing of her?

I WONDER IF…..

The man playing ball with his child, or the woman playing in the sandbox with her toddler, are their brains telling them if they don’t do this or don’t do that, then this or that might happen?  Are they secretly worried of the “what if’s”?

I WONDER IF…..

The man that was driving behind me, was he terrified that he just hit someone even though he didn’t see anyone? He didn’t feel anything hit his car, but did he turn around anyway just to make sure? Even though he made sure, does he still think he hit someone?

I WONDER IF…..

The young woman that lives around the corner with her parents, is she scared to leave her house? Is she worried she will leave and not make it back? Does she stay home because she thinks home is the only place she is safe?

I WONDER IF…..

Could it possibly be that I am the only one that wonders these things? Am I the only one that has experienced some of these things?  Is it possible there is nothing scary or questionable going on in anyone’s mind but my own? Are their thoughts normal? What is normal?

I WONDER IF…..

Is everyone “normal” except for me?

I WONDER IF…..

Is it quite in people’s head? Complete silence? No congestion, no noise, no worries, no stress, and no thoughts? Is it just SILENT?

I have been jealous, angry, and confused.  Why does that person have good health, a normal life, and most of all a normal brain?

I have thought about this things so many times I lost count. I have asked myself these questions numerous times. This is what I finally came up.

We don’t know what others are going through. We don’t know if it’s good or bad. We can’t assume someone has a perfect life just because they look happy. They might be good at hiding it. They put on a smile and go about their day.

They could be worried about a cheating spouse, a health concern, an addiction thats out of control, a very important decision that needs to be made. They might be hurting physically. And it is possible they might be suffering silently with a mental illness.

We don’t know what somebody else is going through. They may seem happy and full of life, while deep down they are hurting.

So we can’t compare ourselves.  Don’t wonder what is going on in their life, in their brain. It will not solve your problems and it won’t solve mine.

Appreciate your life. Appreciate LIFE. There are plenty of things to appreciate and plenty to be grateful for. 

We need to work and focus on our own issues and find ways to improve our situations. Lets work on ways to find our happiness and most of all lets learn to love ourselves.

Have a spectacular week and start writing things you are grateful for. I started doing this and I find it very helpful. Today I am grateful for Life.

I also want to say a special thanks to my mom. Thank you for pointing out that sometimes things are not what it seems, nobody is perfect, appreciate what you have rather than what you don’t have. Very good things to remember. ❤

If you or someone you know is struggling, Speak Up, Reach Out, And Ask For Help. Nobody should go through it alone.

#mentalhealthmatters

300 Milestone

I reached 300 followers! Thank you so much!!

Starting this blog in January was so hard for me. I was scared to admit to the world that I had ocd. It took me weeks to finally push the publish button on my first post. (You can read it here )

But the feedback from all of you has been so welcoming and supportive.

I have received comments and emails about my posts that leave me feeling like I’m making a difference and that gives me such an awesome feeling.

Thank you to everyone for bringing some joy into my life.

If you are struggling mentally please reach out and talk to someone. If you have no one to talk to please email me. (webbblogs@yahoo.com) I am always willing to listen. Nobody should go through it alone.

Best wishes, Christina

Checking In/ Taking A Day Trip

Happy Friday everyone! How was your week?  Mine sort of flew on by, which is a little strange considering I didn’t do much besides my daily activities.  My same boring, daily routine.

Our weather here in California has been much cooler.  We had a couple days of high winds but other than that our weather was in the high 70’s low 80’s.  Much better than the 90’s and 100’s we were having.

Since I did a whole lot of nothing all week, this weekend I’m taking my pre-teen on an hour drive to the mountains. Just one road all the way up.  It’s such an easy drive, not much traffic,  and the scenery is absolutely beautiful. I use to take this drive  a couple times a month, back when my anxiety was barely making an appearance.

Last night my anxiety kept me awake, tossing and turning.  I was worried about leaving and being so far from home. I kept going over worse case scenarios over and over in my head.

I’m scared I will have a panic attack.  I’m scared I will have one when I’m on the country road. What if I have one while at the restaurant? What if I have one on the way home? What if I have such a horrible panic attack and it causes me to pass out? What if there’s nobody around but my son? Will he know what to do?  Will he be scared?  Those plus many more are the thoughts that kept running through my mind, causing me to lose sleep. Causing my tiredness today.  Those are the thoughts that someone with anxiety experiences.   Thoughts that can keep, and have kept, someone like me a prisoner in my home, to afraid to leave, to afraid of the “what if’s ” that circle my mind.

I already told my son about our little trip. I don’t want to cancel it. I have canceled so many times before due to my anxiety.  I don’t want to disappoint him again. He is very understanding and knows about my anxiety, but I can’t keep backing out of things with him, I can’t let my anxiety win.

My stomach is in knots, and my brain is full of “what if’s”, but I AM GOING. I am going to take my son on a beautiful drive to the mountains. I am going to have lunch, I am going to explore the town, and I am going to spend some much needed quality time with my son.

I will do my very best to live in the moment.  I will do my very best to not worry about the future or things that may or may not happen. I will be okay.

FAITH OVER FEAR

If anyone is reading this and has similar issues as I do, I know how scary it can be. But we can not let out mental health control us, we can’t let it stop is from enjoying life. Step outside your comfort zone. Live in the moment. Don’t be a prisoner in your mind. Live life and find your joy, even if you have to take baby steps. One step at a time. We can do it.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, please Reach Out, Speak Up, And Ask For Help. Nobody should go through it alone.

#mentalhealthmatters

Have a fantastic weekend!