What’s On My Mind?

Well hello WordPress community. Hope all is well in your part of the world.

Here in California the weather has been warm. Thats all good and dandy…..except for people like me that prefer cooler weather.  But it is what it is, and I am making the best of it. 😁

I have been doing so much thinking lately.  I am 52 years old and I am no where close to being where I want to be, physically, emotionally, financially, and most of all mentally.

Lately I have also been questioning the single life. I have been single for many years.

I have always been fine with my single status. I was use to it and being single really didn’t matter to me. I became set in my ways and use to doing things on my own.

But I have been imagining what it would be like to actually be in a relationship. I picture having a friend, a companion.

Having someone in my life that is just there, there as in sitting next to me while watching tv, or running to the store with. Someone to laugh with, to talk with. Someone that is there for the little things as well as the big.

It would also be great to have help with all the little things around the house. The other day I had to move a tv from one room to the other. That was the easy part. The hard part was figuring out all the cords and where or what they connect to. Took me forever to figure it out and its still not completely right because now I am not able to turn the volume up using the remote.

I have been trying to come up with ideas on how to fix certain issues in my life and how to get to where I want to be.

I had a friend ask me the other day to keep an eye on their house while they went out of town. They decided on the spur of the moment to do something fun with their kids. I thought to myself how wonderful it would be if I could do something like that. But I can’t. Mentally there is no way I could leave my house that long and if I could, financially it would be impossible.

My mental health may be better than it was but I am not as far along as I want to be. I know it takes time, but dang how long and how hard do I have to work at this until I am where I want to be?

This post is not supposed to be so negative. I apologize if it is. It just helps me to write out everything.  Its therapeutic in a way.

I don’t know why I am doing all this “thinking” lately. Maybe its because I have a birthday in July and I will be another year older. Maybe I am comparing myself to people around me to much. I have no idea.

What I do know is if I want things to change, if I want to find some happiness and be in a better place, I need to take a stand and make a change. After all, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Hope you all have a fantastic week,

Christina

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Prompt for Thursday

What’s something most people don’t understand?

Now this question is one that I definitely have an answer for.  OCD

So many people do not understand ocd. I realize this more and more everyday day. Whether it be a random stranger or someone I know personally. Social media, people that joke or create memes, even shows on television get wrong.

Ocd is a serious mental illness and can be very very difficult to deal with. If you aren’t quite sure what ocd is, Please click here to learn about it. And if you would like to know even more, Please read my story here.

If you or someone you know is struggling with ocd and need someone to talk to please email me at webbblogs@yahoo.com

Have a wonderful day,

Christina

WordPress Prompt

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

So before I answer the question I wanted to ask if any of you have been answering these prompts? I noticed as soon as I made the switch from the WordPress app to the Jetpack app that daily prompts have been popping up.

At first I wasn’t really interested, but now I think it’s actually a fun idea and a way for us to engage with eachother a little more.  What are your thoughts on these new prompts?

Ok so now for my answer….

When I was in school many many years ago, I had such a difficult time. As some of you know I was struggling with ocd, only I didn’t know at the time thats what I was struggling with. This was the 80’s so ocd wasn’t mentioned back then.

I didn’t do very well in school, and honestly I don’t remember many of the teachers. However, there were two that stand out. The first one was my third grade teacher. I know my mom is reading this post and she will probably comment and say the reason I liked him so much was because I had a huge crush on him.  She would be correct in saying that, 😁 but, he also taught me a multiplication trick that I still use today. It only works when multiplying 9’s, but it’s still a neat little trick that involves using your fingers. Speaking of fingers, he was missing one so he taught the class to always use caution when wearing a ring. He lost his finger due to a clothes line accident.

My second teacher was my adult education/night school teacher. I was 17 or 18 and needed a few more credits to graduate. With his patience, I was able to do that. He took the time to explain things in a way I could understand. If I didn’t understand, he would explain it again until I did. He worked with me one on one, something I very much needed back then. Looking back now I honestly think that he knew I was struggling mentally. He was very kind, extremely patient, and taught me in a way that I understood.

So there it is. The two teachers that were influential in my life. How about you? Is there a teacher that stands out for you? Would love to hear your answer.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Christina

Saying Goodbye To A Beautiful Blogger

I logged on to WordPress and was in complete shock to find out one of my favorite mental health bloggers, Ashley Peterson passed away.

Even though I did not know Ashley personally, I am still saddened by this news. She was well known on the WordPress site and had a big following. Ashley’s posts were incredibly helpful and she was extremely knowledgeable in mental health.

Her family posted on her page this morning that she passed away on October 9th. She could no longer bear the suffering she was experiencing and finally succumbed to her severe depression.

I just can’t find the words to express how saddened I am by this news. She always left positive comments and always had the right things to say.

Please head over to her page and leave a message for her family. Rest In Peace Ashley, you were such an amazing woman and I am so sorry you were suffering so badly. https://mentalhealthathome.org/2022/10/28/a-message-from-ashleys-family/

The Real Ocd

Below is a story on what a typical morning is like for someone with severe ocd. In order to shorten this post there are two things you need to know as you continue reading this:

1.  The initials “bt” stand for “bad thought” I use the initials because I say  those words ALOT in this post, there’s really no way to avoid it.

2. In this case of ocd, the “bad thought” the sufferer gets is a loved one will die. More so, the bt is “your parents will die” or “your kids will all die”.  The ocd sufferer then “repeats” whatever they were doing until that thought goes away or lessons. The “strong-ness” of the thoughts are hard to explain. Almost like an itch that goes un-scratched. Almost like that feeling in your gut that tells you to turn left instead of right. Almost, but not quite. Almost but stronger, heavier, scarier. But…. much much worse.

And now, enter the mind of someone with severe ocd…..

Time to wake up and start my day. I don’t want to get up, I rather sleep.  I am not ready to start, just thinking about it is making me anxious. I say a prayer. As I pray a bt enters my mind. I stop my prayer and re-start it. I say the prayer again, again, and again. I say my prayer 4 times because the number 4 reminds me of God. 4 is good. 4 is my safe number.

I don’t know if I start my day off with a prayer because I want to or because I have to. I do know that each morning my prayer is exactly the same, it has become one of my morning rituals.

I start to walk into bathroom, as soon as my feet touch the bathroom floor, bt. I back out of the bathroom and walk back in again.  I am lucky this time, I only had to walk in twice.

I grab my toothbrush, and then the toothpaste. I turn the water on and get my toothbrush wet. bt. I put the toothbrush back in its holder. I grab the toothbrush again. bt. I put it back, pick it up, this goes on 5 times. I don’t know why I am able to stop at 5. I usually don’t like this number.

I step into the shower and it happens, bt. I knew I wouldn’t be able to step in only once. Its never that easy. I step out of the shower, I step back in, bt, step out, step in, being extra careful to not slip. I do this 8 times, 4 plus 4 is 8. 8 is extra good because it is two 4s.  Sound confusing? In my brain it makes sense.

In the shower I close my eyes. I see an image of a car. Bt. Why did I picture a car? Is something bad going to happen in a car? I close my eyes to picture something else. Car again, and again. I open and shut my eyes until I picture something else. I lost count how many times I opened and closed my eyes but I am finally ready to start my shower.

I wash my hair, bt. I try to replace that bad thought by telling myself nothing bad will happen. But the bt is getting worse and now its harder to ignore so I give in and wash my hair 2 more times. The bt is still there so I wash my hair again. I think I am now done and can move on and wash my body.  I grab the soap. bt. I grab the soap once more. I am lucky, again, I only had to grab it 2 times. I finish my shower and step out. Sometimes I have to step back in the bathtub and step back out, but today I didn’t have to.

I start to get dressed. Bt. I take my clothes off and put them back on again.  Bt keeps repeating itself so I have to keep repeating myself. 7 more times. I put my clothes on, and off, 8 times. Not just one item of clothing, all items of clothing must be taken off and put back on. 8 times. I am tired and I am starting to get hot. All this repeating is making me sweat.

I grab my brush, bt. I put it back on the counter and pick it up again. bt. I put the brush down and “tap” it 8 times. bt. Tap another 8 times, and another, and another, I add up the total amount of times I tapped the brush, its 33. 33 equals 6. I don’t like that number.  6 reminds me of the devil. 6 is bad. So I tap the brush 7 more times. That makes a total of 40. 4 is good, 40 has a 4 in it. 4 reminds me of God.

I brush my hair and put it in a ponytail. bt. I take the rubber band out of my hair and then put it back in. Bt. I take it back out, back in. Bt. This goes on for quite a while.  I end up putting my hair in a ponytail 14 times. My arms are now sore. I’m even more tired, and I am still sweating.

I am now ready to leave the bathroom. I am hot, I am sweating, and my arms hurt. As I walk into my bedroom, I silently repeat to myself “nothing bad”. I say this hoping to drown out the bad thoughts. Sometimes it works, usually it doesn’t.

I grab my makeup bag and start applying my my makeup to my tired face. Bt. I repeat in my mind that nothing bad will happen.  A thought is just a thought.  I don’t want to reapply my makeup 4 times. That consists of going back into the bathroom and washing my face. The bt is so strong.  It is getting to hard to resist. I am tired, I am hot, I am frustrated, and I am scared. I can’t ignore the bt because what if that bad thing happens? I know it won’t but, wait, what if it does? What if? Will my kids really die if I don’t wash my face and apply my makeup again?I know it sounds ridiculous. But, what if?

These thoughts are pounding on my brain. I can’t make it stop. These thoughts are stronger then the ones before. I’m getting confused. Are these thoughts my ocd or am I having some kind of premonition? Maybe something is warning me or giving me a chance to prevent this horrible thing from happening. The more I try and figure it out the more I’m unsure on what to do. Do I give in, or acknowledge that these thoughts are just my ocd trying to trick me and the only way to get better is to leave the thoughts there and move on with my day?

I give in to the ocd and walk back into the bathroom. With each step I begin to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, bt. I start over from where I started and walk back to the bathroom and begin counting again. Smaller steps this time. 1, 2, 3, 4…..4 is my good number, I am now ready to wash my face. again. 

I start applying my makeup. The whole time the bt is still creeping in my mind. I close my eyes and pray. I pray. I pray. I think I should pray again because four times is good. 4 is my favorite number. I pray 4 times the exact same prayer, word for word. But this time 4 didn’t work. I pray some more until it feels right and I am able to move on to what I was doing before I started praying. What was I doing? I forgot. My mind won’t shut up it’s making me forgetful. I notice my makeup bag. Ohhh yea, I was putting makeup on.

Once I am dressed and ready for the day I make my bed. Everything is going fine. I’m almost done making my bed, just putting the pillows in place. I let go of the pillow, and it happens.  Bt. I was almost done, and now I have to make the bed all over again. I remove the pillows, pull off the blankets, and then tear off the sheets. I have to pull every single item off the bed, until the mattress is showing. I reach down and grab the sheet, I place it on the bed. Bt. Take sheet off, put it on, take it off. I do this 14 times. 14 times and I finally have made my bed.

I’m tired. I’m hot. I am sweating again. As I wipe the sweat off my face I noticed I also wiped off some makeup.  I don’t want to put my make-up on again. 

It is only 8am. I have so much to do today. Even though I have been up for a couple of hours, I feel like going back to sleep. Even though I took a shower, I am feeling dirty because I am hot and sweating. I shouldn’t be so hot and sweaty at 8 in the morning. 8 am and my ocd has already made me exhausted.

This post was originally supposed to be what a typical day is like for someone with severe ocd. Soon as I finished writing what a typical morning is like I realized this post would be way to long if I added the rest of the day.

I am sharing this because I feel it is important to show people what ocd is. I want people to know what real severe ocd is like for some people.  It’s not just about having a clean house. Its not just about being organized.  This post is what ocd is. This post is what someone with severe ocd goes through on a daily basis.  This post is written about a real person, me. This is my story. This is how bad I suffered.

This was me when I was at my worst.  This was before medication and before therapy.  This was before I asked for help.

Even though I still struggle, I am much better than I was. Those days were hard on me. I went through alot and nobody even knew.  If you would of met me back then you would have had no clue that I had ocd. I hid it. Even people that were close to me had no idea.

If you are struggling with mental illness please ask for help. There is help out there. I am so glad I reached out and talked to someone. 

The main reasons I am sharing such a personal detail of my life is to help others and bring awareness. Please ask for help if you are struggling. Please remember that you never know what someone is going through so please show kindness to those around you, they might have just had a morning like the one I described above. You never know.

Have a wonderful weekend