Yay Me

Hello everyone hope all is well in your part of the world. Here in California we are getting all kinds of different weather.  Sunshine, rain, sunshine, and rain.

It doesn’t rain as often as I would like so when it finally comes I really enjoy it.

Yesterday the rain stopped for a few hours so I went for a country drive with my teenage son. Everything was so green from the rain, it was a beautiful drive.

I wanted to take him to one of his favorite hiking trails but about half way there the anxiety came. I turned off the road and started heading closer to home. My teenager was very understanding.

As I turned back for home I could feel my anxiety getting worse. I pulled over and just then my oldest son called me. He asked what we were up to for the day and I explained the drive, anxiety, and that we were headed home. My kids all know about my anxiety and they know how to help get me through it.

Between my teenage son that was in the car with me, and my oldest son that was on the phone, I was able to bring the anxiety down and stop it from getting worse. It did take a bit but what a relief it was when I finally started feeling normal again.

My sons encouraged me to turn the car around and continue up towards our original destination. So seat belts on, and music playing loudly, off we went up the hill.

I don’t know how or why my anxiety disappeared but it did and I was able to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. On the way home I realized it. I felt great. There was no panic throughout our walk and I was able to laugh and enjoy the rest of the day with my son.

I don’t understand the way our brains work. I don’t understand how one minute I can feel so scared and the next minute I can be laughing and enjoying life. Same goes when I have my panic attacks. One minute I’m perfectly fine and the next I think I am going to pass out. I don’t understand.

I am trying to live a happier life. I am trying to change things for the better. Sometimes things go great and then sometimes my brain will have a “mental moment”. But, I keep trying to push through. I keep trying to get better, keep trying to be happy, keep trying to reach my goals.

I know I have mentioned this in my last two posts, but recently I took my mental health break. As soon as I started feeling a little better I told myself to get out and enjoy the sunshine.  Normally I wouldn’t do this. Normally when feeling the stress and worry from my ocd I would stay home and not leave the house until I was completely convinced I was better.

I didn’t do this though.  This time I pushed myself to get out. Even though I pushed myself I still felt that anxiety and it almost ruined my day.  I almost turned around and went home. But I didn’t.

I have to acknowledge that.  I have to acknowledge every time I am able to push through, every time I am able to move forward, and everytime I am able to reach a new mental health goal.

Today I am proud of myself.  Tomorrow may be different.  Tonight might be different.  But for today, at this moment, I am proud. Yay me.

Well wishes,

Christina

Busy Month/Weekly Smile

Hello, hope all is well in your part of the world.  Here in California it is a little overcast, but I actually am quite pleased with our weather today.  I came down with a stomach bug and the only plans I have for today are to rest, binge watch Netflix, maybe some YouTube, and more rest.

It has been a mellow week, except for my day to day routine.  I have a very busy month coming up, and since its a three day weekend here and I am not feeling that great I have been using these days off to relax, rest, and take care of myself so I can get everything done that I have scheduled this month.

One of the things I have scheduled is an appointment in San Francisco.  My son has to see an ear, nose, and throat specialist.  Because San Francisco is a little over an hour away, and because my son is a minor, they scheduled our appointment with a pediatrician that specializes in the area we need.

Well I have had this appointment scheduled for two months now and the whole two months I have had bad anxiety when thinking about it.

I wrote a post a while back about my son wanting to visit San Francisco. Even though I ended up taking him, I put it off for over a year because of my panic attacks.  Well this appointment I can’t put off and thats just making my anxiety worse.

For “normal” people it probably is not a big deal. Jump in the car and drive the 90 minute drive. No biggie. However my anxiety and panic attacks are making this a huge deal. What worries me is I keep thinking what if I have a panic attack while driving?  Or what if I have one while in S.F? Then of course my biggest worry is the actual appointment. I need to seriously stop worrying about “what if” but my mind won’t let me.

Even though I have a lot of worries and anxiety right now, I am still finding the time to smile. Which brings me to The Weekly Smile. For more details and if you would like to participate head on over to Trent’s page for all the info.

So what have I been smiling about? I know this is a little silly but lately I have been watching YouTube videos about the funny and cute things animals do. Some of those videos are so funny, you can’t stop yourself from smiling. Remember, I haven’t been feeling well so most of my time has been resting and watching Tv. So that’s my Weekly Smile. Watching silly videos of silly animals. 🤪

Well, thats about all for today. Hope your having a marvelous Monday and aways remember to smile. A smile might just be what someone else needs to brighten their day.

Well wishes,

Christina

Checking In/To Do List

Hello blogging buddies hope all is well in your part of the world. I haven’t written much lately and figured its time I did a “check in”. So….. let me just dive on in and fill you in.

I have been dealing with my ocd, trying to keep it under control and not let it consume my days and stress me out. I also have been learning new techniques on dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks. I still have way to many bad days, more bad days than good. I will write more about that in another post. Today I want to share a couple good things with you.

When I turned 50, I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do while in my 50s. As a matter of fact I decided to name my list, “50 things I want to do while in my 50s.”

Some of the things on my list are actually quite little and most people would probably question me on why I would have those things written down. For example, going to the mall.

I live about two miles from our mall. I quit going over ten years ago because my anxiety would act up. I also had a huge panic attack once while walking around the mall that scared me horribly. After that experience I never went back.

About eight months ago my youngest son asked me to take him. Since it was also on my list of things I wanted to do, off we went. I had some anxiety walking in and throughout the time we were there.  I sat down a few times and tried to relax a little and tell myself I was ok. I pushed through and am happy to say that I have been back to the mall three more times since. Each time is a different experience because of my anxiety and ocd, but I did it. I was able to cross it off my list and that felt good.

Another thing on my list is learning how to drive a stick, some say manual but I grew up saying stick shift. Every car I have ever owned has been an automatic. I never learned to drive a stick. Many many years ago my husband tried to teach me. He had just bought a Camero, which was my favorite car. I wanted to drive it so badly. My husband took me out for many driving lessons. I remember just when I thought I had it figured out, the car would sputter, stall, and turn off. After many days of frustration I decided driving a stick wasn’t for me. Until I made my list.

My oldest son has a really nice Camero. He took me for driving lessons and after about the fifth time I was ready to drive on my own. The neat thing is that his dad was the one that first tried teaching me, also in a Camero.

I now have the spare car to my son’s car. The other day I “borrowed” his car and left mine in it’s place. Here’s a picture of me secretly borrowing his car.

Of course it was all in fun and my son thought it was hilarious to find my car parked where his car once was. (For the record my son gave me a spare key so I can drive his car whenever I want)

Anyway crossing things off my list is something that I honestly didn’t think would feel so good. Being able to say “I did it” and “My fear didn’t stop me today” is such a satisfying feeling. It’s wonderful.

How about you? Do you have things you would like to do but your mental health gets in your way? Have you been able to challenge yourself and do something you never thought you would? Tell me all about it in the comments because I would love to hear about it.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Well wishes,

Christina

Hello/Weekly Smile

Hello everyone hope you all are having a safe and smooth week.

My week was actually quite nice.  Our weather has cooled down to the lower 80’s, a pleasant surprise because I thought it was going to be in the upper 90’s for another week.

My teenage son has been asking me to take him to the mall all summer. Considering that the mall is only about 4 miles from my house, this should not be a problem. 

In the last 20 years, I have probably been to the mall 3 or 4 times. The reason I stopped going years ago was because it was always overly crowded and overly priced, for me at least. The reason why I now don’t go to the mall?  Anxiety.

I have avoided the mall for 2 years. Just the thought of going, or even driving near it, would set my mind in a spin. All the people, the loudness, the little cramped stores, the over, large pricey ones, terrified me. So I just didn’t go.

Back to my son, he kept asking, and asking, and I kept giving him excuses. My kids know about my mental health, I am very open about it, but I try not to let them know how bad it is and how often I struggle. They worry, so I only tell them what I feel is best.

Remember my recent post about my “mental re-charge”?  One of the things I am working on is stepping out of my comfort zone. I also have a list I started a couple years ago called 50 things I want to do in my 50s. A trip to the mall is on that list and this was the perfect opportunity to do just that. No more excuses.

I started up the car, turned the stereo on a good rock n roll station, and off we went. My son tried changing the station, but my rule in the car is that the driver gets to choose the music. Plus I’m the mom and I said so. (Joking) (kind of)

I was feeling nervous not knowing how I would feel walking around the mall. I kept thinking what if my anxiety gets to bad or what if I have a panic attack, a panic attack at the mall would be horrible.  I was starting to get worried but then it happened.  No not a panic attack, a song. Yes a song came on and snapped me out of my thoughts and out of my worries. Sounds a little silly but its true, and the funny thing is that music has helped me out a few times in the past.

The song is called “I love Rock n Roll” by Joan Jett. Something about that song got me out of my head. Next thing I knew, I was singing, and I was singing loud….. 🎵”I love rock n roll, put another dime in the jukebox baby. I love rock n roll, come on take a chance and dance with me”🎵, ok, I know what your probably thinking, did the lyrics really say “put another dime in the jukebox”? Yes, yes it did. This is an older song but wow it sure is a great one. The beat just gets you in a good mood.

So, there I am in my car singing, I’m really enjoying the beat. I even start playing imaginary drums while sitting at the stoplight. My son looks at me and says in his almost manly voice, “really mom?” I look back over at my son and sang even louder, and the louder I got the worst I sounded.  But I didn’t care.  I was having fun.

My son and I walked around the mall, did some window shopping, had a snack, and had a really great time.

As far as my anxiety? I lost it that day. It disappeared and I was to busy having fun with my son to even realize it wasn’t around. My time at the mall was spent without worrying, and without “what if’s”. It was spent without being scared.

Maybe good ole rock n roll had a little something to do with it, or maybe Joan Jett an her song from the 80’s had a little of the reason, but, I know the BIG MAIN reason I was able to enjoy a day with my son was because I took the chance and stepped out of my comfort zone.

I suffer with OCD, anxiety, and panic attacks. Because of this I use extreme caution when making plans. I rather be at home or close by if my mental health starts to peak. I don’t venture to far from my circle, my safe zone.

It’s hard. Its not easy when your so scared of something happening. But if I can keep adding days like this in my life then I know I am one step closer to finding my way towards happiness. Now that sounds like a step in the right direction to me.

Have a wonderful weekend and if you happen to hear a good song turn it up because it might be just what you needed.