I grew up in the 80’s when mental health wasn’t talked about much and if it was I never heard about it.
I knew I was different. I new something wasn’t right in my brain and because of that, I was terrified I was going to die.
I couldn’t understand why I would do things so many times like count, touch, write, walk, cough, blink, actually pretty much everything I did I would do repeatedly. It was frustrating and extremely exhausting.
A great example of my behavior for those of you that are not familiar with ocd is washing my hair 8 times. Yes 8 times. I would wash my hair repeatedly because if I didn’t I would think something bad would happen.
As the years went by I learned how to accept my strange behavior and I also learned how to hide it. To this day Im still wondering how my loved ones did not notice the odd ball things I would do.
I finally heard the words obsessive compulsive disorder and the meaning of it about 10 years ago. Imagine how thrilled I was to know I was not the only one that had this and that there was a name for it.
I started learning about ocd. I would watch any show and read any article that talked about it. I learned there is no cure but there is treatment if that makes any sense. Basically the “experts” say to not give in to the compulsions, to live with the uncertainty.
Today Im trying a lot of things. Im trying to tell myself these thoughts are just ocd and they mean nothing. Im trying to do things only once instead of over and over. Im trying to remember ocd is a mental illness and I’m not the only one that suffers with it. I’m trying and learning how to cope with this illness.
I don’t want to be stuck in my head anymore. I want to enjoy life, find my happy place, and explore the things that bring me joy. Its going to be hard to discover these things. It’s going to take some hard work. I’m finally ready to try, to take that first step towards a happier fulfilling life. I’m ready to start this new journey one step at a time.