Yay Me

Hello everyone hope all is well in your part of the world. Here in California we are getting all kinds of different weather.  Sunshine, rain, sunshine, and rain.

It doesn’t rain as often as I would like so when it finally comes I really enjoy it.

Yesterday the rain stopped for a few hours so I went for a country drive with my teenage son. Everything was so green from the rain, it was a beautiful drive.

I wanted to take him to one of his favorite hiking trails but about half way there the anxiety came. I turned off the road and started heading closer to home. My teenager was very understanding.

As I turned back for home I could feel my anxiety getting worse. I pulled over and just then my oldest son called me. He asked what we were up to for the day and I explained the drive, anxiety, and that we were headed home. My kids all know about my anxiety and they know how to help get me through it.

Between my teenage son that was in the car with me, and my oldest son that was on the phone, I was able to bring the anxiety down and stop it from getting worse. It did take a bit but what a relief it was when I finally started feeling normal again.

My sons encouraged me to turn the car around and continue up towards our original destination. So seat belts on, and music playing loudly, off we went up the hill.

I don’t know how or why my anxiety disappeared but it did and I was able to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. On the way home I realized it. I felt great. There was no panic throughout our walk and I was able to laugh and enjoy the rest of the day with my son.

I don’t understand the way our brains work. I don’t understand how one minute I can feel so scared and the next minute I can be laughing and enjoying life. Same goes when I have my panic attacks. One minute I’m perfectly fine and the next I think I am going to pass out. I don’t understand.

I am trying to live a happier life. I am trying to change things for the better. Sometimes things go great and then sometimes my brain will have a “mental moment”. But, I keep trying to push through. I keep trying to get better, keep trying to be happy, keep trying to reach my goals.

I know I have mentioned this in my last two posts, but recently I took my mental health break. As soon as I started feeling a little better I told myself to get out and enjoy the sunshine.  Normally I wouldn’t do this. Normally when feeling the stress and worry from my ocd I would stay home and not leave the house until I was completely convinced I was better.

I didn’t do this though.  This time I pushed myself to get out. Even though I pushed myself I still felt that anxiety and it almost ruined my day.  I almost turned around and went home. But I didn’t.

I have to acknowledge that.  I have to acknowledge every time I am able to push through, every time I am able to move forward, and everytime I am able to reach a new mental health goal.

Today I am proud of myself.  Tomorrow may be different.  Tonight might be different.  But for today, at this moment, I am proud. Yay me.

Well wishes,

Christina

February Milestone In March

ME, OCD, AND WEBBBLOGS

This post has been sitting in my drafts folder since last month. I took my mental health break and never posted it. So here it is, a little late but as they say “Better late than never”

When I decided to start blogging in January of 2021, I had no idea what I was doing or if I would continue to write after my first couple posts.

When I wrote my first post (You can read it here) I didn’t publish it for almost a month.  I kept reading it and trying to decide if starting a blog and talking about something I kept a secret for so many years was a good idea.

One of my best friends ( shout out, you know who you are ❤) was very encouraging.  She told me she thought it was a good idea to talk about mental health issues. I talked to her about my concerns but she kept encouraging me.  She knew how badly I was suffering and she was hoping if I wrote about it I would be helping myself and maybe I would start feeling better and finally start enjoying life. I thought about it a little longer and then something came to me, a thought, a good thought.  Maybe by sharing my story I will help someone else that was also suffering, maybe my story could help others. Maybe, just maybe I could help someone that was going through it alone, just like I had.

My decision was made. I pushed that publish button and haven’t regretted it since.

There are days when my ocd is at its absolute worst and I feel like screaming. This illness can really take a toll on the person suffering from it.

On days when I am so frustrated and in what I call “stuck” mode, I write about it here. Some of it I share with you, and some of it sits in my drafts folder.

Writing about ocd helps me to cope. It helps me during the hard, frustrating moments, and gets me through some of the scary moments as well.

Here I am on my third year of blogging. I am so happy I pushed the publish button and shared that very first story. I am still struggling with ocd, but writing and sharing my thoughts, concerns, fears, joys, and the things I have accomplished along the way have helped me deal with this mental illness in so many ways.

Thank you to everyone that has been here for me. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments and emails. Thank you for your support and your love.

Well wishes,

Christina

What Have I Been Up To?

Sorry I haven’t been on much. I know I have written very little in the last month or so and I haven’t been reading or commenting on your posts. You might be wondering why? Well….

I am taking a mental health break. I do this occasionally.  I have had a very difficult time with my ocd and anxiety.  My ocd started getting a little out of control and I found myself being extremely busy “giving in to the thoughts”.

I was giving into my compulsive behavior, way way to much. I felt like I was slipping backwards and I was having a hard time getting back on track and it was exhausting.

I haven’t been seeing my therapist lately and I lowered my medication….big mistake.  I just felt like I was taking to high a dose and figured by lowering it a bit it wouldn’t make a difference.  I should have known NOT to do this. I have done it before and it didn’t go well.

The last couple of months I started feeling overwhelmed.  Ocd takes a lot out of me. There were things I was finding to difficult to do and I would put it off because I knew I would spend way to much time on it. I started to feel myself slipping backwards.

Slipping and Slipping

The most simplest things can be so time consuming because of ocd. Things that should be done one time I would end up doing 4 to 8 times. Sometimes more.

Ocd sucks. It has really interfered with my quality of life, but what really sucks is that most days I am worried about something bad happening to someone I love. Then my anxiety starts up because I am so worried about my loved ones. I start feeling physical symptoms on my body. Symptoms that make me feel like something is wrong with me and that I am dying.

This is what ended up happening to me recently. My ocd was so bad and then my anxiety and stress really started getting out of control.

I ended up going to the emergency room because I was feeling some weirdness in my breast and thought something was wrong with my heart or that I had breast cancer.

While at the hospital I did not tell them about my mental health because I wanted to make sure they ran tests and didn’t just blame it on anxiety or say I was having a panic attack. They did end up doing numerous tests on me. The tests came back just fine but I was still having my doubts.

The doctor ran more lab work and also did more tests. All came back good. He even gave me all my results back so I could read it myself and show my family doctor.

The emergency room doctor then diagnosed me with anxiety. He said everything I was experiencing was because of it. He explained it all to me, which I have heard dozens of times before in the past. Even though I was happy to know that I was ok, I was disappointed in myself for letting my mental health get to this level. Once again I brought on all those symptoms because of my ocd and because I end up stressing and bringing my anxiety to a whole new high.

As of today I am a little better. Just a little.  I have a long ways to go but I know in time I will be back on track.  I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I have been here before so I know what to expect, but more importantly I also know that I will get better.

So please be patient with me while I work on myself.  If you pray, please keep me in your prayers. I will be here in the background so you may notice a “like” or comment on your post, but I probably won’t be to active on here for another month.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will be back soon.

Well wishes,

Christina

A Little Break

Hello everyone hope your all doing well.

You may or may not have noticed, but I haven’t been on here much in the past few weeks. I am taking a little “mental break” and will be back soon.

My anxiety and ocd both have been a little out of control.  I am finally starting to feel better but I still need a little more time before I am back writing and reading your posts.

Thank you for patience.  See you soon.

Will It Get Better?

According to the experts the best type of therapy for someone with ocd is exposure and response prevention. (E.R.P.)

According to the NOCD website “the process works by exposing patients to different types of situations in order to provoke their obsessions, creating the opportunity to practice the prevention of compulsion responses in a safe and controlled environment.” Basically, when I feel like something horrible is going to happen if I don’t do something a number of times, I’m supposed to sit with that horrible thought or feelings and NOT give in to it. As “they” say, “sit with the anxiety and the uncertainty”

The whole process is extremely difficult and causes my anxiety to sky rocket. With my type of ocd I have horrible thoughts. If I don’t touch something, wash something, say something, my thoughts tell me something terrible will happen to someone I love.

I know how ridiculous it sounds. I mean seriously, how can mopping the kitchen floor eight times prevent a tragedy? How can walking four steps backwards prevent something terrible from happening to a loved one? How in the world can something bad happen if I don’t reach down in the bottom of the refrigerator and count to four while making sure my index finger is touching the back wall of the fridge? Sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn’t it? This is my life, and has been since I was a teenager.

According to the medical experts my brain is wired differently. Apparently the part of my brain that processes my thoughts gets stuck while those without ocd or as I like to say, those who have a normal brain, their thoughts come and go. They do NOT get stuck on the horrible thoughts like someone with ocd.

So back to E.R.P therapy. I have been trying to do it on my own for many years. Sometimes I am able to sit with the horrible feelings but most of the time I can’t. Most of the time I end up giving in.

My medical insurance never covered the cost for an actual ocd therapist. So over the years I have been seeing mental health therapist or counselors that don’t specialize in ocd and in my opinion I feel like I know more about ocd then some of them do. This is probably why I still suffer as badly as I do.

In some of my previous posts I have mentioned two different ocd websites. IOCDF and NOCD. Both are awesome and have wonderful resources.

Well I am excited to say that NOCD finally accepts my medical insurance. (I just have to switch plans) Finally I will be able to get help from someone that specializes in ocd. Wow just saying it makes me hopeful. If all goes as planned I should start next month.

I know it’s going to be a lot of hard work, but to be able to live a life where my ocd is not in control, to be able to live a life without living in fear, and to be able to live a life without constantly doing something a million times until I am exhausted, I am willing to put in all the hard work I need to do to finally live my life.

I will keep everyone updated as my therapy begins and hopefully as time goes by I will be able to share some progress with you.

Have a wonderful week,

Christina