Good morning everyone, I hope your week has been wonderful. As for mine, well, here is my weekly check-In.
Actually, let me take you back to what led up to my week. About 8 months ago, I had a routine physical with my doctor.
Everything was going fine until she mentioned that she wanted me to get some lab work done, and then return back in a month for the results. “Anything wrong doc?” I asked. She replied by telling me it had been a while since my last labs and it was just time to get it done.
A month passes and I had to reschedule my appointment because I still hadn’t done my lab work. Why?? Because I was scared of the results. I ended up putting it off for 7 months. I re-scheduled my appointment with my doctor 3 times.
What was I scared of? Well I was scared the lab results would come back indicating something was wrong with me. I kept picturing the doctor giving me my results, I was picturing her telling me I was going to die. For those that don’t know, I struggle with extreme anxiety.
So with those thoughts in my head, it lead to more thoughts. I then started worrying about my youngest son. Who would take care of him if I couldn’t? Would he end up living with people he didn’t know? Would he be happy in his new home? Would he be taken care of properly? All these thoughts kept terrorizing my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about who would raise my teenage son.
The truth is, I know my son would be taken care of. I know he would live with family. I know they would take excellent care of him. So why was I so worried? I was worried because that’s what my anxiety does. It causes me to worry.
Now I know some of you don’t struggle with anxiety so let me explain something real quick. Those thoughts, the horrible thoughts, will jump from one extreme to the next. It’s so strong in my mind. It’s all I think of. It’s like a nagging, pounding, loud drum that gets stronger and stronger. Sounds absolutely crazy I know, but unfortunately that’s how it is for me.
So after 7 months of putting off getting my lab work done, I finally decided to get it done. I had my appointment 2 days later and I secretly had hoped that my doctor wouldn’t get the results back in time. Thats what I kept telling myself, and thats the main reason I did not cancel my appointment again.
So the day of my appointment I was a nervous wreck. I tried every grounding technique and even prayed. Due to my ocd, I prayed multiple times. Anyway, the day of my appointment as I was waiting in the doctor’s office, I wrote the following paragraph…..
Why am I so nervous? I’m always nervous when I go to the doctor. This happens to me every single time. I want to leave. I’m scared. What if I’m dying? What will happen to my boys? Who will raise my youngest? Will my older boys be ok without me? Oh my gosh I hate this feeling. Im trying to breath slowly, I feel like everyone is looking at me. Maybe the girls in the office no I am dying. Is that why they are looking at me? I can’t do this. I’m so scared.
As you can tell, I was really having a hard time waiting for my results. I did suffer through it and here’s what happened…..
My doctor came into the room, as soon as our eyes met, I started to babble. I explained why I was so nervous, even explained that I didn’t know who would raise my son if I was no longer able. I was rambling, and didn’t give her a chance to say anything.
I have been with that doctors office for almost 15 years. They know me quite well. They know all about my mental issues. Since I wasn’t giving the doctor a chance to speak she came right out and said it. “Your labs are fine. My only concern is that you haven’t had a mammogram since 2018, and you are over due for one.” I sat there for a second and then looked at her and asked if she was sure my labs were fine. I asked if she was just saying the labs were fine so I wouldn’t freak out.
We sat in the office and went over my labs together. She wasn’t lying to me. I am fine. I worried and I stressed for nothing. I lost sleep and walked around exhausted for nothing. I am fine.
Anxiety sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks.
I need to keep reminding myself to live in the moment. There have been many many times that I have said this and it has worked. But there are also many many times that it hasn’t worked, because I don’t give it a chance. Well I am ready to give it a chance. Especially now that I see how badly I worried over nothing.
I know that some of you go through this kind of thing as well. My advice to you is the same advice I am giving to myself. LIVE IN THE MOMENT Don’t stress over something that hasn’t happened. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, enjoy now, live in the moment.
So, what made me smile this week? I smiled because I AM OK.
To join in on the Weekly Smile, or to read some awesome posts, head on over to Trents page here
Have a fantastic week!